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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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New York Court: Lap Dances Not Tax-Exempt

Ruling that lap dances do not qualify for tax-exempt status as a "dramatic or musical art performance," a New York court has ordered a gentleman’s club to pay nearly $125,00 in back taxes. What do you think?

  • “Wait, so if it wasn’t just a performance, then that means…she was really into me after all! I knew it!”

    Mark Neeley Weigher and Mixer
  • "The club did it all wrong. First, it needed to get an MFA. Second, apply for and receive an NEA grant. Third, center its dramatic or musical art performance around a withering condemnation of the objectification of women through the ironic usage of the male gaze."

    Kirsten Anderson Stop Attacher
  • "What about if she pees on you? Doesn't that make things art these days?"

    Jonah Elliman Unemployed

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