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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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New York Court: Lap Dances Not Tax-Exempt

Ruling that lap dances do not qualify for tax-exempt status as a "dramatic or musical art performance," a New York court has ordered a gentleman’s club to pay nearly $125,00 in back taxes. What do you think?

  • “Wait, so if it wasn’t just a performance, then that means…she was really into me after all! I knew it!”

    Mark Neeley Weigher and Mixer
  • "The club did it all wrong. First, it needed to get an MFA. Second, apply for and receive an NEA grant. Third, center its dramatic or musical art performance around a withering condemnation of the objectification of women through the ironic usage of the male gaze."

    Kirsten Anderson Stop Attacher
  • "What about if she pees on you? Doesn't that make things art these days?"

    Jonah Elliman Unemployed
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