New York Governor Resigns

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How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

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CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

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MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.
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This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

New York Governor Resigns

After confessing to being involved in a prostitution ring, New York governor Eliot Spitzer resigned Wednesday. What do you think?
  • "How embarrassing. I hope the media doesn't make too big a deal out of this story of big money, unbridled power, and hot sex."

    Amy Schilling
    Art Therapist
  • "I can't blame Spitzer, really. Have you ever been to Albany? Not a lot to do up there except govern."

    Trey Shoemate
    Plumber's Assistant
  • "My daughter lives in New York! I hope to God she wasn't involved—was she one of the prostitutes? Is my daughter a prostitute? Has anyone in New York seen Laura Mallen?"

    Paul Mallen
    Systems Analyst