New York Governor Resigns

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Horrifying Police Body Camera Footage Clearly Shows Current State Of America

CINCINNATI—Following a traffic stop earlier this month by a University of Cincinnati police officer that ended in the shooting death of an unarmed black motorist, authorities confirmed Thursday that the disturbing video recorded by the officer’s body camera clearly and graphically shows the current state of America.

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.
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    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Preparedness

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    STANFORD, CA—Claiming that the practice is essential for effectively recharging the body and waking fully rested and alert, doctors at Stanford University issued a report Monday emphasizing the importance of getting at least eight centuries of atomi...

New York Governor Resigns

After confessing to being involved in a prostitution ring, New York governor Eliot Spitzer resigned Wednesday. What do you think?
  • "How embarrassing. I hope the media doesn't make too big a deal out of this story of big money, unbridled power, and hot sex."

    Amy Schilling
    Art Therapist
  • "I can't blame Spitzer, really. Have you ever been to Albany? Not a lot to do up there except govern."

    Trey Shoemate
    Plumber's Assistant
  • "My daughter lives in New York! I hope to God she wasn't involved—was she one of the prostitutes? Is my daughter a prostitute? Has anyone in New York seen Laura Mallen?"

    Paul Mallen
    Systems Analyst