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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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New York Governor Resigns

After confessing to being involved in a prostitution ring, New York governor Eliot Spitzer resigned Wednesday. What do you think?
  • "How embarrassing. I hope the media doesn't make too big a deal out of this story of big money, unbridled power, and hot sex."

    Amy Schilling Art Therapist
  • "I can't blame Spitzer, really. Have you ever been to Albany? Not a lot to do up there except govern."

    Trey Shoemate Plumber's Assistant
  • "My daughter lives in New York! I hope to God she wasn't involved—was she one of the prostitutes? Is my daughter a prostitute? Has anyone in New York seen Laura Mallen?"

    Paul Mallen Systems Analyst

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