adBlockCheck

Recent News

Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
End Of Section
  • More News

New York Passes Gun Control Bill

New York state lawmakers passed a bill today tightening restrictions on the sale of assault weapons, forcing current owners of such guns to register them with the state, and limiting the ability of the mentally ill to obtain firearms, making the state’s gun laws the most restrictive in the nation. What do you think?

  • “See how much political change is possible with just a few dozen unspeakable tragedies?”

    Geno Browning Unemployed
  • “So up until now, we were selling assault rifles to the mentally ill?”

    Harriet Lombardo Drafter
  • “I miss Old New York, where a guy could kick back at the bar with a cigarette, a 32-ounce soda, and his assault rifle.”

    Jim Metzman Freight Inspector
More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close