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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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New York Passes Gun Control Bill

New York state lawmakers passed a bill today tightening restrictions on the sale of assault weapons, forcing current owners of such guns to register them with the state, and limiting the ability of the mentally ill to obtain firearms, making the state’s gun laws the most restrictive in the nation. What do you think?

  • “See how much political change is possible with just a few dozen unspeakable tragedies?”

    Geno Browning Unemployed
  • “So up until now, we were selling assault rifles to the mentally ill?”

    Harriet Lombardo Drafter
  • “I miss Old New York, where a guy could kick back at the bar with a cigarette, a 32-ounce soda, and his assault rifle.”

    Jim Metzman Freight Inspector
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