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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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‘New York Times’ Editor Fired

New York Times chairman Arthur Sulzberger Jr. announced Wednesday he’s replacing Executive Editor Jill Abramson, the paper’s first female newsroom chief, in a move media insiders say may have to do with Abramson questioning her salary level as compared to her male predecessors’. What do you think?

  • “This is an inspirational story for all women who hope to one day rise to one of the most prestigious positions in their industry only to be fired from it under questionable circumstances.”

    Tim Lefebvre Highway Paver
  • “I really don’t see why we have to spoil this discussion by bringing the history of gender-discriminatory wage practices into it.”

    Caroline Murray Fan Installer
  • “After spending all that time writing stories about other people, it must be exciting for journalists to get to be the center of attention.”

    Gregory Bodt Unemployed
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