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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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‘New York Times’ Editor Fired

New York Times chairman Arthur Sulzberger Jr. announced Wednesday he’s replacing Executive Editor Jill Abramson, the paper’s first female newsroom chief, in a move media insiders say may have to do with Abramson questioning her salary level as compared to her male predecessors’. What do you think?

  • “This is an inspirational story for all women who hope to one day rise to one of the most prestigious positions in their industry only to be fired from it under questionable circumstances.”

    Tim Lefebvre Highway Paver
  • “I really don’t see why we have to spoil this discussion by bringing the history of gender-discriminatory wage practices into it.”

    Caroline Murray Fan Installer
  • “After spending all that time writing stories about other people, it must be exciting for journalists to get to be the center of attention.”

    Gregory Bodt Unemployed

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