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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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New York Times Endorses Legalizing Marijuana

The New York Times editorial board published the first in a planned six-part piece on Sunday calling for the legalization of recreational marijuana, arguing that outlawing the drug is just as ineffective as the government’s failed ban on alcohol during the Prohibition era and that the majority of Americans support it. What do you think?

  • “Still, I’d rather wait for the Wall Street Journal’s editorial board to weigh in on this before I try pot.”

    George Beghe Systems Analyst
  • “They must have been so baked when they looked at the high incarceration rates for non-violent drug offenses.”

    John McNeil Skate Park Planner
  • “It seems a bit hasty to get behind something just because the rest of the country already is.”

    Christine Pankow Baggage Loader
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