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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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New Zealand Bans Naming Babies ‘Christ,’ ‘Lucifer’

New Zealand, which requires government approval of all baby names before they become official, released a list of the names it has rejected, including “4Real,” “Anal,” and a symbol of a star. What do you think?

  • “Well, in that case, I’m glad me and my daughter Anal don’t live in New Zealand.”

    Amber Jansen Pickler
  • “But somehow ‘Irene’ is okay. Irene. I-reeeene. God, such a weird name.”

    Bruce Dent Unemployed
  • “It’s about time. There are like seven Lucifers in my son’s daycare.”

    Kent Chandler Dust Mop Maker
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