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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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New Zealand Bans Naming Babies ‘Christ,’ ‘Lucifer’

New Zealand, which requires government approval of all baby names before they become official, released a list of the names it has rejected, including “4Real,” “Anal,” and a symbol of a star. What do you think?

  • “Well, in that case, I’m glad me and my daughter Anal don’t live in New Zealand.”

    Amber Jansen Pickler
  • “But somehow ‘Irene’ is okay. Irene. I-reeeene. God, such a weird name.”

    Bruce Dent Unemployed
  • “It’s about time. There are like seven Lucifers in my son’s daycare.”

    Kent Chandler Dust Mop Maker

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