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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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NFL: Musicians Should Pay To Perform At Super Bowl Halftime Show

According to a report in the Wall Street Journal, while vetting its top choices to play at this year’s Super Bowl halftime show, the NFL asked musicians whether or not they would be willing to “contribute a portion of their post-Super Bowl tour income” to the league or to “make some other type of financial contribution” for the privilege of getting to perform. What do you think?

  • “Makes sense. For me, the Super Bowl is where I go to learn about all the hottest musical acts.”

    Graham Simonds Systems Analyst
  • “I don’t know, I’m worried that taking in that much money could somehow corrupt the National Football League.”

    Linda Mazzola Support Group Moderator
  • “Well, where else would big, international acts get a chance to perform for an audience?”

    Scott Thoreson Windex Tester

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