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Nigerian Officials Try To Block 'District 9'

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
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Nigerian Officials Try To Block 'District 9'

Nigerian information minister Dora Akunyili has asked movie houses to stop screening the science fiction film District 9 because of its unflattering portrayal of Nigerians. What do you think?
  • "If the Nigerians would just lose a little weight, they'd have nothing to worry about."

    Gerald Collins Carpet Installer
  • "I saw District 9, and it didn't change what I think about Nigerians. Which is nothing. I only think about America."

    Tiffany Fripp Urologist
  • "Because the Nigerian government's vast oil wealth is always generously and transparently passed down to its grateful citizens, you can see why the information minister would chafe at a film that portrays Nigerians as corrupt thugs."

    Aaron Turrington Fireman

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