Nike's Million-Dollar Babies

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Vol 39 Issue 21

Study Finds Jack Shit

BALTIMORE—A team of scientists at Johns Hopkins University announced that their research found absolutely fucking nothing.

City Councilman From Future Warns Against Building 12th Avenue Rec Center

HOLLINS, VA—Appearing through a wormhole at a city-council meeting Tuesday, Xanthon Clarke, a Hollins 3rd District Councilman from the future, warned meeting attendees against building the proposed 12th Avenue Recreation Center. "I come from the year 2050, begging you to vote down the rec center before it's too late," said Clarke, sporting a metallic blazer and bowtie. "Before it's too late, for God's sake." Clarke was then vaporized by a raygun-wielding robotic lobbyist from 2079.

Therapist Beginning To Show Cracks In Caring Façade

SANTA MONICA, CA—After five years of counseling, psychotherapist Diana Berg is beginning to show cracks in her caring façade, patient Ian Cassell reported Tuesday. "When I told her how I still put everyone else's happiness above my own, she exhaled really loud, like she was exasperated," Cassell said. "Then she said, 'Well, we did talk about that last session, didn't we?'" Berg, who has had twice-weekly sessions with Cassell since 1998, said through gritted teeth that she suspects he doesn't really want to get better.

Chuckling Cops Attempt To Imitate Sound Of Man Being Hit By Taxi

CHICAGO—After witnessing a fatal hit-and-run accident Tuesday, Chicago police officers Ed Malloy and Ron Garrity attempted to replicate the sound of a man being hit by a taxi. "First, there was the aiiigh, then a fa-wumpp ba-bumpp," Malloy said, stifling laughter. "Then, when he was bleeding from his mouth, he kind of went ggrrgg blibb-blibb." Garrity disagreed, saying the impact "sounded more like a tha-loomp poompf." Malloy said it was the funniest on-the-job incident since that junkie was stabbed in the ass.

Rumsfeld Wearing Same Shirt For Fourth Straight Day

WASHINGTON, DC—According to Pentagon sources, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld has been wearing the same slightly dingy white Arrow Oxford shirt for four straight days. "I can tell it's the same one, because he got a drop of chili on it last Friday, and the spot is still there," Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz said Monday. "I know Don's a busy guy, but it's really starting to look bad. I mean, it's all pitted out and everything." Wolfowitz added that Rumsfeld has worn the same pair of black wingtips "since we drove the Taliban out of Afghanistan."

A Mouse Unusual Development

As any Jeanketeer worth his or her salt (or chocolate!) knows, my two sweet kitties, Priscilla and Garfield, mean more to me than just about anything. (I guess hubby Rick would have to top the list, but between you, me, and the lamp post, sometimes I wish Rick would magically turn into a cuddly kitty himself!)
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Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Comedy

Nike's Million-Dollar Babies

After signing high-school basketball star LeBron James to a $90 million ad deal, Nike signed a 13-year-old soccer phenom to a $1 million pact. What do you think?
  • "I don't see what the problem is. I mean, we're talking about kids who are good at sports."

    Melanie Schaum
    Homemaker
  • "If that's what Nike has to do to make people finally pay attention to them, that's what they have to do."

    Donna Geary
    Graduate Student
  • "Does this $90 million mean LeBron won't go to college? His education should really come first."

    Arthur Robles
    Office Manager
  • "Nike may see LeBron James as the heir to Michael Jordan, but it remains to be seen whether he has MJ's wooden charm."

    Paul Pearsall
    Attorney
  • "This is no surprise. Nike has a rich tradition of employing minors."

    Chris Vinson
    Systems Analyst
  • "They're giving $90 million to a high-school student? Excuse me, I have to spit up my last three meals."

    Tom Nashua
    Landscaper
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