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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Nintendo Introduces New 'Vitality Sensor'

At the Electronic Entertainment Expo, Nintendo unveiled the Wii Vitality Sensor, a device that attaches to your finger and, according to the manufacturer, promotes relaxation as it creates a visual representation of your "inner world." What do you think?
  • "If Nintendo wants me to relax with something that attaches to my finger, they’d better start making cigarettes.”

    Alex Franklin Notch Grinder
  • "How inner? I don't think revisiting that uncomfortable 15 minutes out behind the Dairy Queen in 1982 is going to help me relax."

    Jon Thannum Quality Control Tester
  • "If there’s anything our nation's video gamers need to learn, it’s how to take a little time for themselves and unwind.”

    Kelly LaRocco Traffic Technician
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