adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Nintendo Introduces New 'Vitality Sensor'

At the Electronic Entertainment Expo, Nintendo unveiled the Wii Vitality Sensor, a device that attaches to your finger and, according to the manufacturer, promotes relaxation as it creates a visual representation of your "inner world." What do you think?
  • "If Nintendo wants me to relax with something that attaches to my finger, they’d better start making cigarettes.”

    Alex Franklin Notch Grinder
  • "How inner? I don't think revisiting that uncomfortable 15 minutes out behind the Dairy Queen in 1982 is going to help me relax."

    Jon Thannum Quality Control Tester
  • "If there’s anything our nation's video gamers need to learn, it’s how to take a little time for themselves and unwind.”

    Kelly LaRocco Traffic Technician

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close