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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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No 'Fiscal Cliff' Deal In Sight

With time running out before the Jan. 1 deadline, President Barack Obama and House Majority Leader John Boehner appear no closer to reaching a deal to avert the “fiscal cliff,” which many economists fear could plunge the nation back into recession. What do you think?

  • “Good thing Jan. 1 is a holiday. Government stuff can’t happen on a holiday.”

    Jason Zink Systems Analyst
  • “I have a huge jar of change right now, so I’m not too worried about it.”

    Dorothea Rizzo Rag Sorter
  • “Sometimes in situations like this it helps to just flip a coin.”

    Howard Gehr Ultrasonic Cleaner

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