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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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No Relief From The Heat

In the past four weeks, extreme heat has claimed the lives of more than 300 Americans. What do you think of the record temperatures gripping the nation?
  • "Heat wave? What are you talking about? It's been exactly 68 degrees all month. Oh, you mean outside."

    Ruth Fanzone Teacher
  • "The heat is on. On the street. Inside your head. In every beat. Oh-uh-whoa-oh, oh-uh-whoa-oh, caught up in the action, I'm-a lookin' out for you."

    Peter Morales Janitor
  • "They say this sort of heat leads to a rise in violent crime. Whoever said that is so fucking stupid, I'd like to smash their fucking brains out."

    Gene Reuschel Systems Analyst
  • "It gives me hope, really. It makes me want to be a better person. Oh, 'the heat'? I'm sorry, I thought you said, 'the example set by America's firemen.'"

    Danielle Kessinger Student
  • "In times like this, we need to remember the elderly. Never, ever leave a senior in the car with the windows rolled all the way up."

    Don Hooton Delivery Driver
  • "I don't see what the big deal is. I happen to enjoy walking around in air that has the temperature and consistency of dog phlegm."

    Isaac Stone Banker

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