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No Relief From The Heat

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
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No Relief From The Heat

In the past four weeks, extreme heat has claimed the lives of more than 300 Americans. What do you think of the record temperatures gripping the nation?
  • "Heat wave? What are you talking about? It's been exactly 68 degrees all month. Oh, you mean outside."

    Ruth Fanzone Teacher
  • "The heat is on. On the street. Inside your head. In every beat. Oh-uh-whoa-oh, oh-uh-whoa-oh, caught up in the action, I'm-a lookin' out for you."

    Peter Morales Janitor
  • "They say this sort of heat leads to a rise in violent crime. Whoever said that is so fucking stupid, I'd like to smash their fucking brains out."

    Gene Reuschel Systems Analyst
  • "It gives me hope, really. It makes me want to be a better person. Oh, 'the heat'? I'm sorry, I thought you said, 'the example set by America's firemen.'"

    Danielle Kessinger Student
  • "In times like this, we need to remember the elderly. Never, ever leave a senior in the car with the windows rolled all the way up."

    Don Hooton Delivery Driver
  • "I don't see what the big deal is. I happen to enjoy walking around in air that has the temperature and consistency of dog phlegm."

    Isaac Stone Banker

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