No Relief From The Heat

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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No Relief From The Heat

In the past four weeks, extreme heat has claimed the lives of more than 300 Americans. What do you think of the record temperatures gripping the nation?
  • "Heat wave? What are you talking about? It's been exactly 68 degrees all month. Oh, you mean outside."

    Ruth Fanzone
    Teacher
  • "The heat is on. On the street. Inside your head. In every beat. Oh-uh-whoa-oh, oh-uh-whoa-oh, caught up in the action, I'm-a lookin' out for you."

    Peter Morales
    Janitor
  • "They say this sort of heat leads to a rise in violent crime. Whoever said that is so fucking stupid, I'd like to smash their fucking brains out."

    Gene Reuschel
    Systems Analyst
  • "It gives me hope, really. It makes me want to be a better person. Oh, 'the heat'? I'm sorry, I thought you said, 'the example set by America's firemen.'"

    Danielle Kessinger
    Student
  • "In times like this, we need to remember the elderly. Never, ever leave a senior in the car with the windows rolled all the way up."

    Don Hooton
    Delivery Driver
  • "I don't see what the big deal is. I happen to enjoy walking around in air that has the temperature and consistency of dog phlegm."

    Isaac Stone
    Banker
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