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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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No Relief From The Heat

In the past four weeks, extreme heat has claimed the lives of more than 300 Americans. What do you think of the record temperatures gripping the nation?
  • "Heat wave? What are you talking about? It's been exactly 68 degrees all month. Oh, you mean outside."

    Ruth Fanzone Teacher
  • "The heat is on. On the street. Inside your head. In every beat. Oh-uh-whoa-oh, oh-uh-whoa-oh, caught up in the action, I'm-a lookin' out for you."

    Peter Morales Janitor
  • "They say this sort of heat leads to a rise in violent crime. Whoever said that is so fucking stupid, I'd like to smash their fucking brains out."

    Gene Reuschel Systems Analyst
  • "It gives me hope, really. It makes me want to be a better person. Oh, 'the heat'? I'm sorry, I thought you said, 'the example set by America's firemen.'"

    Danielle Kessinger Student
  • "In times like this, we need to remember the elderly. Never, ever leave a senior in the car with the windows rolled all the way up."

    Don Hooton Delivery Driver
  • "I don't see what the big deal is. I happen to enjoy walking around in air that has the temperature and consistency of dog phlegm."

    Isaac Stone Banker

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