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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Nonpartisan Review Concludes U.S. Engaged In Torture

A report by the nonpartisan Constitution Project concluded that the detention and interrogation practices used by the United States following 9/11 amounted to torture and that the nation’s top leaders were ultimately responsible for the human rights violations. What do you think?

  • “I hope the partisan reports are more patriotic.”

    Rose Vasilantonakis Dried Beef Packer
  • “I don’t see why the reviewers couldn’t just let us go on quietly knowing that without ever mentioning it.”

    Conan Rapovsky Barrel Painter
  • “Yep, we sure are a bunch of rascals!”

    Fred Downer Unemployed

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