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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Nonwhite Babies Pass White Babies In United States

For the first time in U.S. history, the number of minority babies outstripped the number of white babies. What do you think?

  • "Looks like minorities are finally catching up to whites on desperately trying to fix their relationships."

    Phil Bartram Batter Mixer
  • "I have faith that Bristol Palin will have enough children to tip the balance."

    Reid Nelson Worm Packer
  • "Technically there was one other time when white babies were outnumbered in this country, but we took care of that."

    Julie Brouwer Veneer Drier

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