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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Nor'easter Slams Hurricane Sandy Victims

The season's first winter storm pummeled the mid-Atlantic coast, bringing rain, up to 8 inches of snow, 60-mph wind gusts, a 2- to 4-foot storm surge, and below-freezing temperatures to areas still reeling from Hurricane Sandy. What do you think?

  • “I texted the Red Cross last week. What else do you want from me?”

    Monique Howe Oil Extractor
  • “Hey, hey, I know one way to stay warm, if you know what I mean! Coal.”

    Iggy Brine Lexicographer
  • “Any news on next week’s storm?”

    Arthur Pelchat Unemployed

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