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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Noriega Faces Murder Charges

Former Panamanian strongman Manuel Noriega is to be returned to Panama to face murder charges when he is released from a U.S. prison in September. What do you think?
  • "Poor guy. All his U.S. prison tattoos are going to be useless down in Panama."

    Jake Troyer Fish Cleaner
  • "With Noriega and Ortega back in the news again, all signs point to a strong Van Halen comeback."

    Laura Knackert Gunsmith
  • "I'm not too clear on this: Was he the one we were selling drugs to, or the one we were buying drugs from?"

    Carlos Petrie Systems Analyst
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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