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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Noriega Faces Murder Charges

Former Panamanian strongman Manuel Noriega is to be returned to Panama to face murder charges when he is released from a U.S. prison in September. What do you think?
  • "Poor guy. All his U.S. prison tattoos are going to be useless down in Panama."

    Jake Troyer Fish Cleaner
  • "With Noriega and Ortega back in the news again, all signs point to a strong Van Halen comeback."

    Laura Knackert Gunsmith
  • "I'm not too clear on this: Was he the one we were selling drugs to, or the one we were buying drugs from?"

    Carlos Petrie Systems Analyst

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