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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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North Korea Launches Long-Range Missile

Though the rocket fired by North Korea this morning appears only to have placed a satellite in orbit, many experts believe the country’s primary intent was to test its ability to launch an intercontinental ballistic missile that could one day carry a nuclear warhead. What do you think?

  • “I’d be really worried if I didn’t know we have even further economic sanctions up our sleeve.”

    Livia Gimpel Systems Analyst
  • “As a Pyongyang resident, I am obligated to say I am engulfed with happiness and endlessly inspired.”

    Jin-ho Choi Tool Designer
  • “Hmm, have we considered doing nothing for 60 years and seeing where it leads us?”

    Roberto Sierra Lease Agent

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