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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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North Korea Launches Long-Range Missile

Though the rocket fired by North Korea this morning appears only to have placed a satellite in orbit, many experts believe the country’s primary intent was to test its ability to launch an intercontinental ballistic missile that could one day carry a nuclear warhead. What do you think?

  • “I’d be really worried if I didn’t know we have even further economic sanctions up our sleeve.”

    Livia Gimpel Systems Analyst
  • “As a Pyongyang resident, I am obligated to say I am engulfed with happiness and endlessly inspired.”

    Jin-ho Choi Tool Designer
  • “Hmm, have we considered doing nothing for 60 years and seeing where it leads us?”

    Roberto Sierra Lease Agent
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