adBlockCheck

North Korean Nukes

Top Headlines

International

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

North Korean Nukes

Last week, it was revealed that North Korea has secretly been pursuing a nuclear-weapons program. What do you think?
  • "While it appears that North Korea may indeed have The Bomb, it remains unclear whether they have The Food."

    Gene Franke Systems <br>Analyst
  • "My remarks on this matter will be brief, as the only stereotype I know of Koreans is that they eat dogs."

    Valerie Schmidt Florist
  • "I just pray that this does not interfere with the Koreans' important work animating The Simpsons."

    Christopher <br>Sims Lawyer
  • "Don't worry: It's probably just a bootleg bomb that won't work anyway."

    Bill Cullums Delivery Driver
  • "This news really burns me up. In fact, it vaporizes me into my component subatomic particles, leaving the soil around me lifeless and radioactive for millennia."

    Marcia Martz Homemaker
  • "North Korea may have a few nukes, but we have more than 12,000. That should make everyone feel safer."

    Eddie Rutt Cashier

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close