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North Korean Nukes

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ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations

As President Obama visits Cuba in an effort to restore diplomatic ties with the U.S., The Onion looks at pivotal moments in the tension-filled history of U.S.–Cuba relations.

Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.

Goals Of The Paris Climate Talks

Over 150 world leaders are meeting in Paris this week to address the global effects of climate change in the hopes that a unified international effort can avert grave future consequences for the planet. Here are the major goals of the Paris climate talks

How Refugees Are Admitted Into The U.S.

The United States’ effort to accept Syrian refugees seeking asylum has been the subject of much controversy over security concerns and the rigor of the vetting process. Here are the steps involved in a refugee’s arrival in America
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North Korean Nukes

Last week, it was revealed that North Korea has secretly been pursuing a nuclear-weapons program. What do you think?
  • "While it appears that North Korea may indeed have The Bomb, it remains unclear whether they have The Food."

    Gene Franke Systems <br>Analyst
  • "My remarks on this matter will be brief, as the only stereotype I know of Koreans is that they eat dogs."

    Valerie Schmidt Florist
  • "I just pray that this does not interfere with the Koreans' important work animating The Simpsons."

    Christopher <br>Sims Lawyer
  • "Don't worry: It's probably just a bootleg bomb that won't work anyway."

    Bill Cullums Delivery Driver
  • "This news really burns me up. In fact, it vaporizes me into my component subatomic particles, leaving the soil around me lifeless and radioactive for millennia."

    Marcia Martz Homemaker
  • "North Korea may have a few nukes, but we have more than 12,000. That should make everyone feel safer."

    Eddie Rutt Cashier

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