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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Northeast Braces For Historic Blizzard

Widespread power outages and travel disruptions are expected from a massive nor’easter that is projected to bring up to two feet of snow in Boston and nearly a foot of snow in New York City starting tomorrow. What do you think?

  • “As a 12-year-old, should I have lived through this many storms of the century by now?”

    Hal Von Beltz Unemployed
  • “Oh, no! I hope Aerosmith will be okay.”

    Raymond De Luna Orchard Owner
  • “No lobster roll for me tomorrow, I guess.”

    Valerie Palmisano Book Critic

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