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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Northeast Sees Rise Of Mutant ‘Zombie’ Bees

Beekeepers in the Northeast have reported seeing an uptick in mutant “zombie” bees that behave erratically due to being attacked by small, parasitic flies that latch onto them and lay eggs in their bodies, which then hatch and cause the bees to become disoriented and eventually die. What do you think?

  • “Beekeepers can be such drama queens.”

    Rachelle O’Quinn Floor Plan Drafter
  • “Shhh—Did you hear that? Buzzing. I definitely heard buzzing. And where’s Debbie? I swear she was just here.”

    Chris Dotrice Aerial Acrobat
  • “I hope those beekeepers know you have to sting zombie bees in the head to fully kill them.”

    Moira Sweeney Systems Analyst
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