Northeast Sees Rise Of Mutant ‘Zombie’ Bees

In This Section

Vol 50 Issue 05

Fun Sticker Placed On Child's Ventilator

Fifty-seven women are stoned to death during the annual Riyadh fashion week, a frantic Biden searches a dog shelter for a Bo look-alike, and a fun sticker is placed on a child’s ventilator.

Report: It Too Soon To Glance Back At Attractive Person

PORTLAND—Citing the fact that you just made eye contact with her and doing so again right away might come across as creepy, a new report released today has confirmed that it’s still too soon to glance back at the attractive person behind you.

International Olympians To Watch

With the 2014 Winter Olympics underway in Sochi, Russia, Onion Sports provides a comprehensive guide to the most exciting international athletes.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Business

Northeast Sees Rise Of Mutant ‘Zombie’ Bees

Beekeepers in the Northeast have reported seeing an uptick in mutant “zombie” bees that behave erratically due to being attacked by small, parasitic flies that latch onto them and lay eggs in their bodies, which then hatch and cause the bees to become disoriented and eventually die. What do you think?

  • “Beekeepers can be such drama queens.”

    Rachelle O’Quinn
    Floor Plan Drafter
  • “Shhh—Did you hear that? Buzzing. I definitely heard buzzing. And where’s Debbie? I swear she was just here.”

    Chris Dotrice
    Aerial Acrobat
  • “I hope those beekeepers know you have to sting zombie bees in the head to fully kill them.”

    Moira Sweeney
    Systems Analyst
Jump to next story

Onion Video

Watch More