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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Norwegian Mass-Murderer Would Prefer Execution

Anders Behring Breivik, whose racially motivated killing spree left 77 dead in Norway, told an Oslo court he would prefer execution to the “pathetic” 21-year maximum prison term. What do you think?

  • “He seems pretty miffed about the whole thing. Better let him have this one.”

    Sandy Raimi Systems Analyst
  • “He wouldn't act so blasé if he knew he’d be spending his term inside Norway’s most notorious prison—the Fjordview Wellness Retreat."

    Loren Bixler Goods Layer
  • “I’m opposed to him being executed, but only because I’m infuriated by the idea of agreeing with that horrible individual on anything.”

    Noah Domeier Bail Attacher

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