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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Norwegian Mass-Murderer Would Prefer Execution

Anders Behring Breivik, whose racially motivated killing spree left 77 dead in Norway, told an Oslo court he would prefer execution to the “pathetic” 21-year maximum prison term. What do you think?

  • “He seems pretty miffed about the whole thing. Better let him have this one.”

    Sandy Raimi Systems Analyst
  • “He wouldn't act so blasé if he knew he’d be spending his term inside Norway’s most notorious prison—the Fjordview Wellness Retreat."

    Loren Bixler Goods Layer
  • “I’m opposed to him being executed, but only because I’m infuriated by the idea of agreeing with that horrible individual on anything.”

    Noah Domeier Bail Attacher

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