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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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NPR Fires Commentator For Comments On Fox

National Public Radio fired commentator Juan Williams on Wednesday following an appearance on the Fox News program The O'Reilly Factor in which he said that seeing people in Muslim garb on airplanes made him uncomfortable. What do you think?

  • "Who can blame him? They always take up all the flight attendants' time asking for halal meals."

    Jason Connor Systems Analyst
  • "Well, if Juan Williams said something offensive enough to get shit-canned from National Public Radio, it sounds like he aced the audition for The Juan Williams Hour on Fox News."

    Iris Cronin Obstetrician
  • "This is particularly egregious in light of how leniently they treated Carl Kasell after a live mic caught him calling Terry Gross a cunt."

    Philip Gibbon Driving Instructor
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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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