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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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NRA Removes ‘Guns For The Blind’ Video

After receiving widespread backlash, the NRA has pulled an installment of its NRA News segment in which a U.S. Navy Seal argues that blind people should be allowed to carry guns just like everyone else, asking, “Do you think you need to see where you’re shooting if someone is on top of you, trying to kill or rape you?” What do you think?

  • “If the NRA wasn’t known for its tireless work with the blind, this might make it seem like they were trying to exploit them.”

    Marshall Gradwell Systems Analyst
  • “This is just like the NRA, backing down at the slightest hint of controversy.”

    Beth Spriggs Content Aggregator
  • “Great. Now a bunch of blind people are going to get assaulted.”

    Michael Sanders Sandpaper Maker
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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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