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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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NSA Scans 75% Of All U.S. Internet Traffic

An investigation by The Wall Street Journal found that the National Security Agency uses algorithms to filter three-quarters of all internet traffic in the U.S. and appears to retain the content of certain emails sent between U.S. citizens within the country. What do you think?

  • “Fine with me. I’ve got nothing to hide, except a few things from my family.”

    Kenji Ito Lead Ingot Molder
  • “Thank God all my illegal activity is offline and spur-of-the-moment.”

    Raymond Dratfield Elastic Cutter
  • “I’ve never felt safer.”

    Harriette Guskin Systems Analyst

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