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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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NSA Spied On Online Gamers

Newly released documents reveal that members of the National Security Agency spied on multiplayer online games, believing that terrorists might be using the games to communicate, coordinate real-world attacks, and pass money to one another. What do you think?

  • “Yeah, I play World Of Warcraft with a bunch of guys from al-Qaeda. They’re pretty good.”

    Donna Sinclair Disc Jockey
  • “So, all this time I might’ve been playing with someone who’s just pretending to be someone pretending to be an orc?”

    Leon Kupperman Window Installer
  • “I don’t play video games, so I’m not too worried about being spied on.”

    Dietrich Brown Poet
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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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