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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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NSA Whistleblower Flees To Hong Kong

Edward Snowden, a 29-year-old contractor working for the National Security Agency, has taken credit for leaking top-secret documents to the press regarding the NSA’s phone and internet surveillance, and has fled to Hong Kong to avoid prosecution. What do you think?

  • “Any excuse to visit The Jewel of the East.”

    Dale Hartman Appliance Refinisher
  • “He’s still in his 20s. You always want to get that leaking-highly-classified-intelligence-data stuff out of your system in your 20s.”

    Jeffrey Greist Genealogist
  • “The NSA probably would have fired him anyway.”

    Janice Leopardi Systems Analyst

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