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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Nuclear Plants Left Vulnerable

Federal regulators rejected nuclear policy group requests to increase security at California nuclear power plants, protecting them from aerial attack. What do you think?
  • "Good. All this country needs is more big government sticking its nose into the private business of nuclear power."

    Oren Musburger Stereo Salesman
  • "Quite a shrewd political move. With California and its 55 electoral votes wiped off the map, the Democrats don't stand a chance in '08."

    Sean Friel Paper Maker
  • "Why would the terrorists go through the trouble of an aerial attack when it's so easy to drive right up to the plant and attack from the ground?"

    Katie Pompillio Shoe Repairer

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