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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Nuclear Waste Accumulating

Thousands of tons of spent nuclear fuel is building up at three power plants because the government¹s failure to open a promised storage facility in Nevada. What do you think?
  • "Surely there are faster, less costly ways to turn Nevada into a barren wasteland of radioactive decay."

    Yvonne Breen Building Contractor
  • "It's like my mom always said: 'A place for everything and everything in its place.' Of course, I never had more than one or two rods of nuclear waste lying around in my room."

    Peter Wexler Door-to-Door Salesman
  • "Whoever put Troma in charge of federal hazardous-waste management is an idiot."

    Ron Breslin Systems Analyst

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