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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Nude Celebrity Photo Leak Sparks Controversy Over Who’s To Blame

After nude photos of more than 20 female celebrities, including Jennifer Lawrence, were leaked online this week, many people blamed Apple iCloud for security flaws and the hacker for breaching the stars’ privacy, while others criticized the women for taking nude photos of themselves in the first place. What do you think?

  • “This is what I said would happen when Newsweek printed ‘Here Comes The Internet’ in 1994.”

    Julie Laskos Pastry Chef
  • “I personally feel guilty for getting star-struck and overly agreeable when Jennifer Lawrence floated her weak password ideas by me.”

    Bo Wilson Shift Manager
  • “A good way to let bygones be bygones is to have Apple’s board of directors post some nudes of their own.”

    Joe Mittleman Systems Analyst

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