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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Nude Celebrity Photo Leak Sparks Controversy Over Who’s To Blame

After nude photos of more than 20 female celebrities, including Jennifer Lawrence, were leaked online this week, many people blamed Apple iCloud for security flaws and the hacker for breaching the stars’ privacy, while others criticized the women for taking nude photos of themselves in the first place. What do you think?

  • “This is what I said would happen when Newsweek printed ‘Here Comes The Internet’ in 1994.”

    Julie Laskos Pastry Chef
  • “I personally feel guilty for getting star-struck and overly agreeable when Jennifer Lawrence floated her weak password ideas by me.”

    Bo Wilson Shift Manager
  • “A good way to let bygones be bygones is to have Apple’s board of directors post some nudes of their own.”

    Joe Mittleman Systems Analyst

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