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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Nuke Fears Spark Potassium Iodide Poisoning

Poison control centers are starting to receive calls from people who are experiencing negative side effects from potassium iodide pills ingested due to fear that radiation from Japan will hit U.S. shores. What do you think?

  • "So instead of controlling your own destiny, you'd rather just wait and see whether the radiation threat was real or not? Not me, mister."

    Miguel Allen Systems Analyst
  • "And some of those people injured themselves trying to use the telephone."

    Patsy Rizzo Ankle-Patch Molder
  • "At a minimum, this sexes up the usual humdrum of ‘My child drank Drano!’ life at the poison control center a bit."

    Dutch Newmark Modeler
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