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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Nuke Secrets Found In Meth Lab

Three flash drives from the Los Alamos nuclear facility were recently recovered during a meth raid. What do you think?
  • "We should make it a general rule not to give classified items to individuals with holes in their cheeks."

    Diane Carlson Gallery Designer
  • "The really sad part is that all three flash drives were filled with porn."

    Larry Hoover Systems Analyst
  • "Let's just pray this war on drugs doesn't escalate."

    Irv Mancetti Groundskeeper

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