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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Nuke Secrets Found In Meth Lab

Three flash drives from the Los Alamos nuclear facility were recently recovered during a meth raid. What do you think?
  • "We should make it a general rule not to give classified items to individuals with holes in their cheeks."

    Diane Carlson Gallery Designer
  • "The really sad part is that all three flash drives were filled with porn."

    Larry Hoover Systems Analyst
  • "Let's just pray this war on drugs doesn't escalate."

    Irv Mancetti Groundskeeper

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