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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Number Of Blacks In Military Down

A Defense Department report states that the percentage of blacks among active-duty recruits fell from 20 percent to 13 percent since the Afghanistan and Iraq wars began. What do you think?
  • "Of course. Iraq has deteriorated to the point where blacks are practically safer in D.C."

    Angela Fisher Pastry Chef
  • "I think it's a cultural thing. Blacks just seem to not like fighting in mismanaged quagmires as much as whites do."

    Louis Haberman Systems Analyst
  • "Crap. Soon we won't have any troops left 'cause all the white soldiers will try to be cool by imitating the black soldiers."

    Eric Gill Ticket Broker

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