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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.
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Number Of Blacks In Military Down

A Defense Department report states that the percentage of blacks among active-duty recruits fell from 20 percent to 13 percent since the Afghanistan and Iraq wars began. What do you think?
  • "Of course. Iraq has deteriorated to the point where blacks are practically safer in D.C."

    Angela Fisher Pastry Chef
  • "I think it's a cultural thing. Blacks just seem to not like fighting in mismanaged quagmires as much as whites do."

    Louis Haberman Systems Analyst
  • "Crap. Soon we won't have any troops left 'cause all the white soldiers will try to be cool by imitating the black soldiers."

    Eric Gill Ticket Broker
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