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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Nutella Turns 50

This month marks the 50th anniversary of Nutella, the popular spread made from cocoa, skim milk, and hazelnuts that’s consumed in 160 countries around the world. What do you think?

  • “It doesn’t taste a day over 30.”

    Harold Parsons Park Ranger
  • “I use that stuff all the time. I had no idea you could eat it, though.”

    Candice Gemberling IRS Auditor-In-Training
  • “Will the banks still be open?”

    Tyler Dobson Car Leasing Agent
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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