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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Nutella Turns 50

This month marks the 50th anniversary of Nutella, the popular spread made from cocoa, skim milk, and hazelnuts that’s consumed in 160 countries around the world. What do you think?

  • “It doesn’t taste a day over 30.”

    Harold Parsons Park Ranger
  • “I use that stuff all the time. I had no idea you could eat it, though.”

    Candice Gemberling IRS Auditor-In-Training
  • “Will the banks still be open?”

    Tyler Dobson Car Leasing Agent

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