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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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NY Post Extortion Scandal

The New York Post's "Page Six" gossip column is under investigation for shaking down Manhattan socialites for positive coverage. What do you think?
  • "That story about Paris Hilton giving money to the battered women's shelter did sound a little fishy."

    Naomi Harris Leatherworker
  • "It seems unwise to shake down the only people who care about what they read in Page Six."

    Brian Warner Art-Restoration Expert
  • "You can't put a price on avoiding the damage done by carrying a winter 2005 Kate Spade handbag in the early spring of 2006."

    Liam Calloway Systems Analyst

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