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Scientists Discover 99% Of NFL Players’ Brains Slimy

SEATTLE—In a major advancement of the ongoing effort to better understand the specific neurobiology of these athletes, a new study released Wednesday by scientists at the University Of Washington revealed that 99 percent of NFL players’ brains are slimy.

Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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NYC Hopes To Ban Oversized Sodas

New York mayor Michael Bloomberg announced that he would seek to ban the sale of any soda or other sugary beverage larger than 16 ounces. What do you think?

  • “This is going to be a huge blow to businesses that charge people a quarter to use their toilets.”

    Lois Taylor Systems Analyst
  • “I'm a New York resident who often does not finish the last one-fourth of his can of soda. Can I qualify for a tax credit?”

    Kent Harris Rock-Drill Operator
  • “So instead of getting a 24-ounce soda, I now have to pay more and get two 16-ounce sodas? How much Coca-Cola stock does Bloomberg own?”

    Dane Metzler Jacquard-Loom Fixer

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