adBlockCheck

Recent News

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
End Of Section
  • More News

NYPD Criticized For Shooting Amid Crowds

After wounding nine bystanders while killing a gunman outside the Empire State Building Friday and an earlier incident in which a knife-wielding man near Times Square was fatally shot, New York police face scrutiny over their protocol for opening fire in crowded locations. What do you think?

  • “Gun, knife, dangerous suspect, innocent bystanders—at least the NYPD is egalitarian when it comes to using deadly force.”

    Hume Riddle Mirror Installer
  • “It’s tough, but we’ve got to let the police do what they need to do until the streets are no longer plagued by people.”

    Tom Stolz Historian
  • I think the NYPD is doing a great job! Okay, he’s gone. Whew, that was close. Those guys are scary as shit.”

    Jane Thorpe Echocardiograph Technician

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close