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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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NYPD Criticized For Shooting Amid Crowds

After wounding nine bystanders while killing a gunman outside the Empire State Building Friday and an earlier incident in which a knife-wielding man near Times Square was fatally shot, New York police face scrutiny over their protocol for opening fire in crowded locations. What do you think?

  • “Gun, knife, dangerous suspect, innocent bystanders—at least the NYPD is egalitarian when it comes to using deadly force.”

    Hume Riddle Mirror Installer
  • “It’s tough, but we’ve got to let the police do what they need to do until the streets are no longer plagued by people.”

    Tom Stolz Historian
  • I think the NYPD is doing a great job! Okay, he’s gone. Whew, that was close. Those guys are scary as shit.”

    Jane Thorpe Echocardiograph Technician

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