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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Obama Announces Justice Nominee

President Barack Obama has chosen New York federal appeals judge Sonia Sotomayor to replace David Souter on the Supreme Court. What do you think?
  • "When will C-Span let me know where I can text my vote?"

    Adam Reed Frame Changer
  • "Let’s not forget that this is also a great day for Justice Ginsburg, who will finally have someone to bitch with again."

    Sean Pierson Auto Emissions Tester
  • "That was a real surprise. I was expecting.... Okay, I had no idea who I was expecting. I just wanted to feel important for that brief second you sat there and waited for my answer."

    Kathryn Kader Piano Teacher

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