adBlockCheck

Recent News

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
End Of Section
  • More News

Obama Calls For Mapping Human Brain

President Barack Obama is calling for a 10-year, $3 billion joint public-private project to map the human brain, saying the Brain Activity Map would lead to medical and scientific breakthroughs and provide a boon to the national economy. What do you think?

  • “He better not start poking around in the part where I remember the location of my spare house key.”

    Megan Hutton Fuel Attendant
  • “You just know all those crazy Obama supporters will probably back this ridiculous plan, especially if it could lead to more effective treatments of brain diseases such as Alzheimer’s and autism.”

    Gaston Van Dam Steam Cleaner
  • “I could see some interesting scientific discoveries resulting from this experiment, but you don’t want to go inside this ol’ noodle of mine. Seriously, it’s a complete shit show in here.”

    Chuck Dekker Ripsaw Operator

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close