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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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Obama Calls For Mapping Human Brain

President Barack Obama is calling for a 10-year, $3 billion joint public-private project to map the human brain, saying the Brain Activity Map would lead to medical and scientific breakthroughs and provide a boon to the national economy. What do you think?

  • “He better not start poking around in the part where I remember the location of my spare house key.”

    Megan Hutton Fuel Attendant
  • “You just know all those crazy Obama supporters will probably back this ridiculous plan, especially if it could lead to more effective treatments of brain diseases such as Alzheimer’s and autism.”

    Gaston Van Dam Steam Cleaner
  • “I could see some interesting scientific discoveries resulting from this experiment, but you don’t want to go inside this ol’ noodle of mine. Seriously, it’s a complete shit show in here.”

    Chuck Dekker Ripsaw Operator

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Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

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