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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Obama Calls For Mapping Human Brain

President Barack Obama is calling for a 10-year, $3 billion joint public-private project to map the human brain, saying the Brain Activity Map would lead to medical and scientific breakthroughs and provide a boon to the national economy. What do you think?

  • “He better not start poking around in the part where I remember the location of my spare house key.”

    Megan Hutton Fuel Attendant
  • “You just know all those crazy Obama supporters will probably back this ridiculous plan, especially if it could lead to more effective treatments of brain diseases such as Alzheimer’s and autism.”

    Gaston Van Dam Steam Cleaner
  • “I could see some interesting scientific discoveries resulting from this experiment, but you don’t want to go inside this ol’ noodle of mine. Seriously, it’s a complete shit show in here.”

    Chuck Dekker Ripsaw Operator

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