Obama Confirms Iraq Pullout

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Vol 46 Issue 31

NFL Fans Turn Out In Droves To Watch Men Touch Cones

NEW YORK—Fans of professional football turned out more than 100,000 strong last week to watch grown men perform calisthenics, huddle around one another, and even run up to and touch orange cones, spokesmen for the NFL said Wednesday.

Illinois Does A Few Adult Films To Make Ends Meet

SPRINGFIELD, IL—After ending the 2010 fiscal year with a record $4.7 billion in unpaid bills, officials say Illinois has been actively pursuing a number of sexually explicit scenes in direct-to-DVD features until it gets back on its feet.

Albert Haynesworth

The Redskins' defensive lineman has a checkered past and is currently struggling to get into condition. Is he any good?
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Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Entertainment

Obama Confirms Iraq Pullout

In a speech before the Disabled American Veterans convention, President Obama reaffirmed plans to remove troops from Iraq at the end of this month, but acknowledged there may yet be more fighting. What do you think?

  • "This is a bad idea. After we're gone, there's nothing to stop Saddam Hussein from coming back."

    Katy Samson
    Budget Consultant
  • "With luck, as promised, our troops will be home in time for Halloween."

    Darren Wilson
    Systems Analyst
  • "I hope he's not just yanking our chain this time, because I already blew our ribbon-magnet budget on school supplies."

    Roger Sloan
    Keyliner
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