Obama Delivers State Of The Union

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Vol 49 Issue 07

Child Assured It Will Be Long Time Before He Dies

COLUMBUS, OH—Shortly after inquiring about his own mortality last night, distraught local child Eli Heffernan, 8, reportedly received assurances from both his parents that while he would indeed die, it would not be for a long, long time.

Pentagon To Award Medals To Drone Pilots

The Pentagon announced the creation of a noncombat award for pilots of drone aircraft and cyber warfare specialists, drawing ire from veterans’ groups, as the new honor would rank higher than the Purple Heart and Bronze Star for distinguished battle...

Highlights From Michael Jordan's Personal Life

With Michael Jordan turning 50 on February 17, Onion Sports examines the greatest moments from the former NBA superstar’s private life.  1969: Upon witnessing a group of neighborhood kids play a pickup basketball game, a 6-year-o...
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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Obama Delivers State Of The Union

President Barack Obama delivered his annual State of the Union address last night, his first since being reelected. What did you think of the speech?

  • “As a hardworking American, I was disappointed that at no point did he mention me.”

    Leslie Rose
    Wine Pasteurizer
  • “All we can expect from this washed-up president is four more years of promises he tries his best to keep and occasionally succeeds at.”

    Stephen Krakoff
    Systems Analyst
  • “I missed it. How are we doing?”

    J.D. Hess
    Irrigation Engineer
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