Obama Gives Up On Closing Guantánamo?

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Vol 49 Issue 05

Onion Sports' Live Coverage Of Super Bowl XLVII

Highlights Pregame Nation Excited For Opportunity To Watch Harbaugh Lose Super Bowl Pregame Onion Sports' Guide To Super Bowl XLVII Pregame Coverage Nation Excited For Opportunity To Watch Harbaugh Lose Super Bowl “I’m so pumped up! I can...

Hometown Wistfully Toured Via Google Street View

COLUMBUS, OH—Eleven years after last walking through his hometown, 29-year-old local man Paul Brundage reportedly spent the entire evening Friday revisiting his childhood neighborhood in Decatur, IL using the Google Maps Street View feature.
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Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Obama Gives Up On Closing Guantánamo?

The State Department official tasked with shutting the Guantánamo Bay detention facility has been assigned to another position and will not be replaced, signaling that President Obama likely will no longer pursue the closing of the prison, a goal he had vowed to achieve his first year in office. What do you think?

  • “At least the president showed that this issue was important to him by putting one guy on it.”

    Darryl Tull
    Mold Filler
  • “So what? Maybe the prisoners like it there now. Did anyone think to ask them?”

    Nina Flanagan
    Grain Weigher
  • “It could still get done. I was assigned to the Honeycutt account at work before I was transferred to sales, and—oh, shit! The Honeycutt account!”

    Rex Stutman
    Consultant
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