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Obama Gives Up On Closing Guantánamo?

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Obama Gives Up On Closing Guantánamo?

The State Department official tasked with shutting the Guantánamo Bay detention facility has been assigned to another position and will not be replaced, signaling that President Obama likely will no longer pursue the closing of the prison, a goal he had vowed to achieve his first year in office. What do you think?

  • “At least the president showed that this issue was important to him by putting one guy on it.”

    Darryl Tull Mold Filler
  • “So what? Maybe the prisoners like it there now. Did anyone think to ask them?”

    Nina Flanagan Grain Weigher
  • “It could still get done. I was assigned to the Honeycutt account at work before I was transferred to sales, and—oh, shit! The Honeycutt account!”

    Rex Stutman Consultant

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