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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Obama Gives Up On Closing Guantánamo?

The State Department official tasked with shutting the Guantánamo Bay detention facility has been assigned to another position and will not be replaced, signaling that President Obama likely will no longer pursue the closing of the prison, a goal he had vowed to achieve his first year in office. What do you think?

  • “At least the president showed that this issue was important to him by putting one guy on it.”

    Darryl Tull Mold Filler
  • “So what? Maybe the prisoners like it there now. Did anyone think to ask them?”

    Nina Flanagan Grain Weigher
  • “It could still get done. I was assigned to the Honeycutt account at work before I was transferred to sales, and—oh, shit! The Honeycutt account!”

    Rex Stutman Consultant
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