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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Obama Inaugurated

While Barack Obama officially took the presidential oath of office yesterday in a private ceremony, a public swearing in will occur on the Capitol steps today, followed by two inaugural balls and performances by the likes of Beyoncé and James Taylor. What do you think?

  • “It’s good they keep the real ceremony private. I don’t think the general public could handle seeing the president drinking all that blood from George Washington’s skull.”

    Ruth Hitchcock Acoustics Physicist
  • “It’s absolutely ridiculous that there’s even one inaugural ball given that the Benghazi matter is still very much under investigation."

    Leslie Ferrara Gusset Maker
  • “Nothing says presidential like some ‘Fire and Rain.’”

    Art Orloff Bodyguard

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