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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Obama Inaugurated

While Barack Obama officially took the presidential oath of office yesterday in a private ceremony, a public swearing in will occur on the Capitol steps today, followed by two inaugural balls and performances by the likes of Beyoncé and James Taylor. What do you think?

  • “It’s good they keep the real ceremony private. I don’t think the general public could handle seeing the president drinking all that blood from George Washington’s skull.”

    Ruth Hitchcock Acoustics Physicist
  • “It’s absolutely ridiculous that there’s even one inaugural ball given that the Benghazi matter is still very much under investigation."

    Leslie Ferrara Gusset Maker
  • “Nothing says presidential like some ‘Fire and Rain.’”

    Art Orloff Bodyguard

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