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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Obama Losing Global Appeal

A Pew Research Center poll indicates that President Barack Obama’s popularity is slipping around the globe, due in part to disapproval of drone airstrikes. What do you think?

  • “He better watch out, or the rest of the world might decide to vote for Romney in November.”\

    Jane Carroll Systems Analyst
  • “Look, we can send in flying deathbots to do the dirty work, or we can invade your country and level it. You choose, but we gotta do something.”

    Nick Joseph Inside-Plant Supervisor
  • “Hold up. I’m not going to stand here while some filthy foreigner talks smack about the president I hate.”

    Ed Wilmot Nickel Plater

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