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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Obama: Pot No More Harmful Than Alcohol

While saying that he thinks it’s a bad habit and has encouraged his daughters not to use the drug, President Barack Obama stated in an interview with The New Yorker that, “in terms of its impact on the individual consumer,” he believes marijuana is no “more dangerous than alcohol.” What do you think?

  • “If the president of the United States thinks I should go get high in my truck, then so be it.”

    Peter Quennessen Utilities Inspector
  • “What kind of accurate message does that send to our kids?”

    Victor Cook Systems Analyst
  • The New Yorker, huh? Are you sure this wasn’t one of those funny little cartoons they do?”

    Barbara Gallagher Refrigerator Salesman

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