adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Obama Presides Over Secret 'Kill List'

According to The New York Times, President Obama approves every name added to a classified “kill list” of terrorists and has made himself the final arbiter of whether or not to order a strike when an opportunity arises. What do you think?

  • "That’s smart. Making a to kill list increases the likelihood you’ll get those people killed."

    Frank Spinell Sewer-Pipe Offbearer
  • "I can't say I agree with the decision to put Mitt Romney on there, but then again, I'm not president."

    Karen Munro Mainstreaming Facilitator
  • "Cool! I mean, no president should have that unchecked power. I don't know. I'm confused."

    Adrien Clayton Quiller Tender

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close