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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Obama Presides Over Secret 'Kill List'

According to The New York Times, President Obama approves every name added to a classified “kill list” of terrorists and has made himself the final arbiter of whether or not to order a strike when an opportunity arises. What do you think?

  • "That’s smart. Making a to kill list increases the likelihood you’ll get those people killed."

    Frank Spinell Sewer-Pipe Offbearer
  • "I can't say I agree with the decision to put Mitt Romney on there, but then again, I'm not president."

    Karen Munro Mainstreaming Facilitator
  • "Cool! I mean, no president should have that unchecked power. I don't know. I'm confused."

    Adrien Clayton Quiller Tender

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