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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Obama Proposes Lowering Corporate Tax Rate

In an attempt to raise revenues, President Obama proposed a plan that would simplify the corporate tax code, lower the corporate tax rate from 35 percent to 28 percent, and eliminate numerous loopholes. What do you think?

  • "This is exactly the sort of idea that Republicans will deny they've been saying for 30 years."

    Melissa Cutler Systems Analyst
  • "A lot of people forget that corporations are real legal persons, just like us."

    Hugo Frith Knock-Up Assembler
  • "Not sure. Give me a few minutes to get out my calculator and my IRS corporate tax rate tables and crunch some numbers."

    Matt Krause Parking Lot Signaler
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