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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Obama Pushing Broad Gun Control Measures

President Obama vowed yesterday to introduce legislation that would require background checks for all gun buyers, ban assault weapons, and limit magazines to 10 rounds, marking the most wide-reaching push for gun control in a generation. What do you think?

  • “That’s great! But there should still be a loophole so I can get whatever I want.”

    Chuck Graham Dross Skimmer
  • “I’m sorry, but Obama’s decision to revive an assault weapons ban that already existed is far too radical.”

    Domingo Repola Unemployed
  • “But I can still shoot 10 things without reloading, right?”

    Colette DeTitta Washing Machine Loader

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