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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Obama Raises $60 Million In May

During May, Obama and the Democratic Party raised a combined $60 million for his reelection campaign, bringing his total to $450 million. What do you think?

  • “That amount may sound impressive, but keep in mind that’s in 2012 dollars.”

    Carmen Sincock Systems Analyst
  • "I hope he uses it to buy a new suit. That's not the only thing he should spend it on, but Americans really like a professional-looking president."

    Doug Ripp Bolt Sawyer
  • "First guy to $1 billion wins, right?"

    Keith Flanagan Bonding-Machine Setter
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