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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Obama Raises $60 Million In May

During May, Obama and the Democratic Party raised a combined $60 million for his reelection campaign, bringing his total to $450 million. What do you think?

  • “That amount may sound impressive, but keep in mind that’s in 2012 dollars.”

    Carmen Sincock Systems Analyst
  • "I hope he uses it to buy a new suit. That's not the only thing he should spend it on, but Americans really like a professional-looking president."

    Doug Ripp Bolt Sawyer
  • "First guy to $1 billion wins, right?"

    Keith Flanagan Bonding-Machine Setter

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