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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Obama Reelected President

President Barack Obama was reelected Tuesday, defeating Republican challenger Mitt Romney in a closely contested race. What do you think?

  • “Obama won? What was the point of all those voter ID laws, then?”

    Murphy Chang Lens Assorter
  • “Looks like Uncle Sam’s picking up the tab on my abortion after all!”

    Faith Fidler Carpenter Apprentice
  • “I can’t believe I have to spend another four years looking at Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood’s face.”

    Brendan Bowie Wire Editor

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