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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Obama Signs Bill Banning Congressional Insider Trading

Following a prayer breakfast this morning, President Obama signed into law a bill prohibiting members of Congress and other federal employees from insider trading. What do you think?

  • "But insiders have the best information."

    Shirley McElwy Home Health Aid
  • "While we're banning things that are already a crime for everyone else, could the president sign an executive order preventing congressmen from poaching alligators?"

    Clive Gibbons Systems Analyst
  • “Oh, great. Now I’ll probably have to compete with Sen. Lieberman on my can-scavenging route. That guy’s ruthless.”

    Matthew Johnson Copywriter
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