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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Obama Signs Bill Banning Congressional Insider Trading

Following a prayer breakfast this morning, President Obama signed into law a bill prohibiting members of Congress and other federal employees from insider trading. What do you think?

  • "But insiders have the best information."

    Shirley McElwy Home Health Aid
  • "While we're banning things that are already a crime for everyone else, could the president sign an executive order preventing congressmen from poaching alligators?"

    Clive Gibbons Systems Analyst
  • “Oh, great. Now I’ll probably have to compete with Sen. Lieberman on my can-scavenging route. That guy’s ruthless.”

    Matthew Johnson Copywriter

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